I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
