I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
