I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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