is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
