I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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