there's paper in my vomit.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
