I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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