I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
