I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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