i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
