The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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