i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
