I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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