the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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