my text book just quoted the cookie monster
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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