Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
