dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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