Can Purell be used as lube?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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