I only kidnapped one of them. chill
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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