Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
