Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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