dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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