I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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