got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
