So drunk its hurt
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
