i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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