I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
