I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
