Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
