nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So much Jack, so little girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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