He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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