ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
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