I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I am midnight drunk by noon
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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