Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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