Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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