I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
