this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
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I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
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I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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