I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
