broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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