But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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