also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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