I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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