I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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