and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
