I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
