he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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