Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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