As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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