My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
