I wish I could punch you in the face.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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