I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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