Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I want to fling myself into the sun
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
