My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
