I accidentally had phone sex last night
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
