My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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