Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
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I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize