It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
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What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
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For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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