My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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