I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
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Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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