somebody snuck up and got me drunk
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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