Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
