Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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