I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
